How much does a Top or Bottom appear to be in Queer Sex?

Queer women are usually down to actually enter it as to what we *mean* once we mention
‘topping’ or ‘bottoming’
— so are we! Which is why we did
an entire thorough review
of y’all on the subject just a couple of years ago, undertaking the analysis on what y’all mean whenever you explore
tops
,
bottoms
,
switches
, and
much more
. Bear in mind appears to be the scenario with us, however, it decided there seemed to be even more to procedure here. Regardless of how a lot review data we gather, its tough to get at the way that these tactics play out in our actual life, and exactly how two different people utilizing the same words for themselves might embody all of them very in a different way. It felt like the only way to truly check out exactly how that performs would be to, you know, keep in touch with both — so here’s a number of discussions among AS staffers trying to get to your bottom of exactly what queer intimate dynamics indicate within our real everyday lives. Final time we talked-about
just what the numerous sexual identities “mean”
!

This talk was around exploring the concern of:

Exactly what do we feel our very own sexual IDs “mean” about all of us as “people”, our characters or mental surroundings when we ID a certain way? Would they will have overlaps with your feeling of self away from bed, or no? will we tend to believe this about others (that a night out together might be a bottom if they’re coy, or a premier when they pay for beverages)? Can we observe other people presuming these things about united states (or projecting all of them onto you)? Do this stuff appear to be social shorthands, while so can be they annoying or beneficial? Or perform they access authentic methods all of our intimate characteristics are natural expressions of other areas of one’s personhood?

Malic:

I’ve had men and women assume that i am a top because i am masc and I’ve had folks think that I’m a bottom because I’m actually tiny. This frustrates me to no end, so I you should not assume just how other individuals establish their own intimate parts. Declaring an identity word like “leading” or “change” seems excessively basic, but occasionally those terms help open conversations about sex with individuals i am dating. Intimate identification words have already been especially helpful when someone seems self-conscious about getting “excessive” pleasure (wooow, patriarchy has actually truly done lots on us) and I can assure them by claiming, “Remember, I’m a high!” (in other words. “I like carrying this out to you personally! This is exactly my personal thing! Giving you pleasure offers myself delight! Lay back and go!”).

Rachel:

Ugh Malic that’s thus shitty when people think one thing about you as someone according to your literal bodily human body!

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Malic:

Basically could prefer to get bigger, I would personally (largely therefore I could go with menswear). But and this is what I’ve got!

Rachel:

We seriously try not to presume or imagine such a thing based on outside signifiers for those exact same explanations above, and since in my opinion it may get essentialist in strange ways quickly (as an instance, Im regularly regarded or thought by brand-new associates become a “femme leading,” or searched for by men and women primarily keen on femme surfaces, and is therefore unconventional to me when I never ID’d because femme in just about any discussion board, i recently have actually… long hair?). But I feel ambivalent, since it additionally feels good & desirable for me personally to-be seen (correctly) as a high; I do not consider folks in standard ought to be trying to pigeonhole although it does feel great (in my opinion) to have located correctly, for the reason that it can make me personally feel hot & affirmed in my top-ness additionally because it feels like i’ve been “winning” for some reason in creating crucial components of myself legible — or maybe more truthfully, i assume that people we associate with are watching me personally precisely.

That I guess is like queerness typically – there is no way to “look” queer or right therefore probably must not try to guess, additionally it seems great once I get successfully look over as queer by various other queers and poor once I have look over as right.

Shelli:

What involves me the majority of when considering the presumptions that folks have with me during sex, is that because I’m extremely elegant they think that I am going to be submissive – which as we talked about
finally time
, I have been previously for specific women. In years past (not really much anymore, which ideally means everyone is finding out) they thought because of my personal size, US 14-16, that I’m virtually physically incompetent at getting extremely productive during intercourse.

I am probably a lot more flexible, active and lively than certain smallest people i am aware when considering fucking. Basically’m flushed and breathy during intercourse it indicates i am having an enjoyable experience; it’s nothing at all to do with my personal size.

I have also experienced some women — which includes non-black POC ladies — who happen to be anticipating some form of exoticism because i am black. Thinking automatically your sex are going to be untamed and insane or that i will strap them according to this very sexualized version of black women they’ve produced within minds and most likely observed on movie and television.

Vanessa:

I believe once We learned i am truly a base, many things clicked into place. It’s stereotypical to think any person wants the things they fancy during intercourse caused by looks or assumptions, however, but researching MYSELF exactly how what I like in bed correlates to how I have always been inside the rest of my life was actually an extremely fun disclosure!

Plus permitted me to be more vocal and honest with dates; I’m recalling one specific tinder go out from a long time ago whom I thought had been a leading from way they certainly were flirting beside me, but I wasn’t 100percent positive. They lived sorts of far off also it positively would definitely end up being dedication to produce a romantic date to see all of them, and that I was putting off inquiring if they were a leading because I found myself a tiny bit shy, then again my best friend was just like “babe, it is perhaps not worth the electricity setting this up if they’re not browsing should fuck how you want to shag,” and that was very clarifying! I’m certainly not stating that all covers tend to be appropriate for all soles, that two bottoms can’t have a rather nice time with each other, etc etc, but i will be stating that as soon as we’re internet dating i believe we often decide to try so very hard to make one thing if it is not probably happen, and being in a position to ascertain earlier on if possibility intimate being compatible will there be was ideal for myself when creating truthful naughty connections with folks.

I wish to second Shelli that i do believe most assumptions have been made about myself prior to now re: how flexible or productive I’ll be as a result of my personal fat (I’m a small-to-medium excess fat person) but i have mostly solved that by just drilling various other fat folks now and it RULES.

I also discover lots of happiness in only bending into my personal base identity in the same manner it’s enjoyable to lean into my dyke identification, my personal queer identity, etc. It feels like another play ground we all arrive at play in, and tease both, and extremely get comfortable where isn’t handy for right men and women, and I like that. Like for example my personal girl and I always joke that because i am a Capricorn base I like being the no. 1 student, instructor’s animal, etc and because she actually is a Capricorn very top she loves to function as the teacher. Do-all Capricorn tops/bottoms think that? Not? But truthfully seems like…yes? And that is an enjoyable joke to make about our selves, and an easy way to get a hold of lightness and play in sexuality and need. I don’t know I am 100% responding to the question right here but that is how I think!

Rachel:

i think there’s something to that Vanessa for certain! In both a lively method and a critical method – like certainly it’s FUN and funny to be able to joke about it with each other, and sex is supposed is enjoyable! I like having vocabulary for gender plus like with regards to doesn’t always have to feel heavy, and I also have area within brands to joke about this. plus it feels as though a trust-building personal thing with a sexual companion to tease each other about being a premier or a bottom or whatever (and can be hot, and flirting!). In addition however, I get hung-up somewhat on that thing of love “she is a capricorn so she is a high, and I also’m a Capricorn so i’m a bottom!” I used to discuss this with someone I became online dating and whom I found myself much like – I happened to be like ‘personally i think like it’s organic for me personally to peak because i am such a control freak’ and so they is like ‘Right, additionally feels natural for me personally to need to bottom and release because I’m such a control nut!’ Like what makes that huge difference??

Malic:

These astrology/ intercourse part jokes are significantly relatable. As an Aries top, I shag to win.

Vanessa:

“I shag to win” oh my personal GOSH Malic revealing by using my Aries bff right away. Rachel I believe among the many hottest things about energy characteristics in intercourse — which i think is really what the top/bottom/switch parts tend to be in regards to, and that we think leads quickly to kink stuff that I did not also enter into (also does not will have to lead to kink! it is a portal!) — is the manner in which comparable character attributes can translate into willing to bang in totally different means for the reason that various other character faculties / trauma / experience / history / interest / etc

Malic:

I became trying to appear something about different character qualities colliding, and Vanessa only nailed it.

Shelli:

I’m a two fold Taurus with a climbing in Pisces and idk how that plays into my identification but I take any and all emails from the Astro queers during my DM’s advising me how it does (I am not fooling – @AyoShelli on IG)

Vanessa:

And I also would also like to delve into just what Rachel raised regarding usefulness of getting LANGUAGE to share with you what we fancy even when we’re not sure the reason we want it. To handle the kinkier part of my personal identification somewhat, i do believe this really is vital that you keep in mind that communication in a scene is vital, and in case we do not know how to mention everything we fancy and everything we’re enthusiastic about and exactly what our very own restrictions tend to be subsequently we’re really doing a disservice to ourselves and all of our play lovers and potentially not really being secure. I am only a little timid to express a lot more but does that make good sense?

Wow tysm Malic

Rachel:

Omg Malic… I Am in awe